You know I stared at the computer for 47 minutes 38 seconds before I finally touched the keyboard. Even now I am typing slowly because for some reason I have to be careful what I say. Funny thing that is. Ironic really. You know people are weak and fragile things no matter what you do they will always dissappoint you, and you will also dissappoint yourself. What I have said in life has hurt people but angered more. Don't you think thats funny how that works. Everyone at one point in their life will be angry. Its God given. Not something one person bestows upon another or takes away from. Everyone says the good out weighs the bad. Who knows maybe I lost track of that statement. I dont know. What I do know is that no matter how much people may label me as a bad person (that of which I know I am) I take sick comfort in the fact that I know now that I am not alone. People have said that I have said things in life that ... that arent anything but words coming out of my mouth. True pain comes from a face to face knowledge of what one says. True hate comes from someone saying it behind your back. My exact words were to someone tonight that " I have never said anything like that". That is not true for there is perfection right. I have talked about everyone. And I have done everything wrong. Maybe that's what needs to be said because I don't know. I guess I don't deserve the right to be angry. Through tears, through hugs, through notes, through kisses, through the many things in life that defines who we are I guess after all that I don't deserve to feel some type of negative feeling. If you are still reading this I have elivated myself onto a peddlestool of philosophy in which I avoid the things in life that are sent my way in order to hurt me. Why now that I finally achknowledge their existence is it so unaccepted. I have veiwed the way people are treated. One person says something wrong the rest of a network join in with the inclusion of mockery statements through a phonecall such as "O my God guys I am such a bad influence".
I have been called righteous. Its amazing how the previous 374 worded post can turn the label of friend into that. My past phone calls have been, to not take what one doesn't say face to face to heart. People have talked to everyone around me. My family most of all has been a main pressure in my life. To do something, to want something that I had already decided that I didnt feel was appropriate. Who is now sitting with you reading this thinking that thats the last person I wanted to talk to. Sending someone to point a finger while conversations flare in the background of what had transpired is not the best way to make that approach. Who knows maybe I am wrong. All I know is that I have said this once before and I have explained myself more than once face to face, or not. It keeps coming back because you do not let things go.
You know that clever little saying "secrets dont keep friends". Amazing how it takes a complete role reversal here. You know so much anomosity can be generated in one central idea or person. Maybe secrets do keep friends. Growing up I have had someone that wanted to know everything there was to know about what was going on in my life. My secrets, my feelings, what i wanted to do with all those things. You can't know those because what kind of life would you be living if you knew those things. You want to know why I stared at the computer screen for so long? It's because I knew I had harmed people that I knew I shouldn't have. If anyone is familiar with an area of my life there's an object called a reset button. You push it when things don't go your way. Where you can always save and go back to a point in it where you were happy. If there was such a thing in life as such I wouldn't be there pressing it. Because Life is experience. Christ didn't want to suffer pain but he did so. Why because he loved each and every one of you. I am here wanting to say that I am crying but not because I know some of you are not taken in by my words and are even now laughing at what I say because of the way I talk I am still labeled righteous for stating the obvious.
You know I have said and done things in life that I regret to this day. There goes happy Matt joking Matt where he always says "I do not regret anything I have ever said or done". I over the past few years have asked my friends to save me from what I was becoming. If theres one thing I can find fault in is its that you never saved me. Letting myself be cradled in feelings I made myself out to be what I am to this day trying to acheive. You know in my life I have contemplated something twice and for a split second tonight I thought it again. For what is there to live for when one has no ONE to live for. You know what I realized though. After living the way I have, I have to live for excuses. Amazing how your life can turn around. If theres a group reading this. Know one thing. Someone you incriminate knows things also. What you say what you have done. And I don't know what to say to that because if you look around everyone has said something about someone else in that room.
I dont care anymore what people consume or do to their body. For I know my place. Personal opinions though I can still keep. Call me righteous. I am sorry. You are defined by the people you surround yourself with. You are also defined by what you do. This doesn't apply to somone without religion. But if you beleive in a greater place and want to someday be there then listen to this. We were all created in the image of God until te imperfection of the fall from grace. Now if all it takes is the accpetance of Christ to enter our life to get to that Greater place then mistakes are flying out the window. You are to live that way to be a shining example of what its like to accept God. Otherwise what else are then another lucky winner who does nothing with there money. I am a hypocrite. I have realized what I have done wrong in life. And for that I am ashamed. You know I am trying to figure an apporpriate ending that I don't know will appease the masses. But if you haventt liked what I have said thus far then I guess I truely am to be despised. | 
